Perhaps the title is misleading. My goals, mindset, and focus were a little bit discombobulated as of recent days. Recent events and a changing perspective have made me realize that I’ve been a bit narrow in my goals and my perspective has been infected with what I call tunnel vision. It could also be likened to a musicians perspective of only worry about the immediate future. In making/playing music, that’s a perfect approach, but in life, its not very applicable and may be part of the reason that so many people are hurting now in these days. I’m not going to share here, what all that entails for me specifically, it is much too public for such things to be disclosed.

time to hit the ground running… watch out fools!

I’m quite positive I’ve written about this particular subject before. NO, I’m not talking about taking a stroll through the produce section.

The Bible talks of the fruits of the Spirit, and that those characteristics are evidence (fruit) of a spirit filled life. But we as people are in fact fruit. Fruit simply does not become what it is over night. It is a very long process and fruit seems to appear out of nowhere but the reality of it all is, is that fruit comes from within. After enough time and investment, fruit evidences itself by coming to the surface.

We, as I see it, can be seen as fruit (metaphorically). We start as seed, very tiny,insignificant, sometimes we even think that seed is disposable but the truth is that seed is INDISPENSABLE! Seed is very precious. We start out as seeds not as little sperms. But the seed is only complete after it’s germinated, that is, after it’s met the egg. Anyway, the seed grows after being nourished below the surface for a long time. It emerges and surfaces. It lays its roots down deep and wide and it is strengthened as it faces the turbulence of the wind and storms.

When it’s time for the tree to begin to produce fruit. The fruit starts out not resembling what it eventually will be. It usually buds first and begins to take shape. It’s not ripe at all. If picked too early, the fruit is not going to taste good. Indicators usually tell us that. Green, mishapen-ness, small size, texture, firmness, etc.

We as people are fruit, I believe in all aspects. A fruit is ripe when it bears its of the right size, shape, color, texture, and firmness. Lets not forget taste. A green banana is very bitter and the skin is super tough and won’t tear easily or cleanly for that matter. A ripe banana is sweet, effortless to peel, and also has developed enough so that all the potential nutrients are present and at optimum levels.

We start our lives as seeds. And along the way, we grow, and one day hope to be desirable to others to partake of. If we partake of fruit before it’s time, it’s sometimes a struggle to get into. Or it tastes bad. Or it’s misshapen, or it isn’t really firm and feels quite squishy. So we are when we jump into relationships in bad timing. Things can get real ugly real fast if we jump into this too quickly haven’t waited until maturity to take on such an endeavor. And if the fruit is not partaken of, it just sits there on the tree and eventually falls off to rot.

Dear wordpress,

I am dearly sorry I’ve neglected you so. This summer I’ve been spending my time elsewhere and consequently have neglected you. I am deeply sorry.

your author,
john

^ If that wasn’t random enough, the rest of what you read will probably seem very disconnected and out of synch and won’t flow well. Oh, well…

I had jury duty this Tuesday. It was quite possibly the most boring day of my life. Fortunate I don’t have to do that again for another year.

For those who know, I can be a really angry and bitter person if the conditions are right. A lot of things bother me. Many things about our world bother me. Equally, if not more things bother me about my life because of what bothers me in the world. What bothers me specifically? Lack of control over situations. Lack of money. And those two are circular/cyclical. Lack of finances dictates what you spend/can’t spend your money on. While it’s wise to not spend your money on any and everything you want to frivolously, there will be things that you genuinely will want/need to spend your money on and when you can’t, thats when you’ve lost some control over your situations. The next comment I’ll be hearing is, “get up off your butt and get a damn job!” Hey! Have YOU tried?! People are getting laid off left and right faster than we can count them, and seeing as I don’t have a degree yet, this makes it near impossible for me to find work. Even if I had a degree, I’m not sure what kind of work a music education degree would get me if I could find any at all, since school districts are cutting down on “extra” curricular activities. Why not just call it unnecessary curricular activities if they think music is so unimportant? But I’ve digressed. I hate being at the mercy of something that dictates the way that I live. The government and the economy is in shambles and in turn is affecting my life. I’m just so damn sick of it all. It’s hard to keep my bearings and not lose my cool. But then again, I don’t think I was ever cool to begin with.

There is something inherently frustrating about being a man these days. There are so many things that race in and out of my mind. Most of it revolves around what you just finished reading, plus other deep things. Character and such others worthy of my thoughts to dwell upon. More and more often I find myself just wanting to just break something. To just let out my frustrations. If I had a punching bag, I could do that easily, but I can’t. Batting cages cost money I don’t want to spend.

I don’t like being controlled by that which does not exist.

Raw smoked salmon is good. End of story. Raw fish is delish.

I saw UP on Friday morning. It’s a very heartfelt movie. I won’t go into detail, but the opening of the film is probably the best part of it all.

Today, it was my grandpa Yosh’s 91st birthday. His wife is still alive and they have been together I don’t know how many years, but it’s been a long time. They still love each other so much. I saw it in her eyes today.

I want that one day.

Raw salmon is really good, not sure if I mentioned that already.

This post really began Friday evening. The chain of events seem rather disconnected and are quite disconnected in that they really have no relevance to the title. But the inspiration for this entry is God inspired revelation in it’s fullest. Here’s why..

Friday evening – church and small group. My Irish Nachos have the sour cream and chives clumped onto my meal instead of in a dish on the side, so over the course of my meal, I suppose I consumed little by little that whole clump of sour cream and chives. I never do that, and I acknowledge it is not healthy to eat all of it, I typically don’t. Our small group finishes second to last for a change, only Jon Ngai and Milton finish after us this time. We weren’t last, yay! We finished at the early hour of 1230am. I get home and shower, by the time I sleep it is about 130am.

Saturday morning – guyco. I wake up around 1040am and first thing I do is poop. HUGE POOP! I feel relieved at the release from the prior night’s meal. Milton and I go to guyco around 11am. Afterwards, we and the other guys go dim sum. I order some shrimp stuff, some pork filled dumplings, and turnip cake. Richard gives me his noodles to finish. I come home, and MSG CRASH!!! Struck with sleepiness and fatigue, I cannot fight it off, I sleep. three and a half hours later, I awake to the words, “we’re having spaghetti tonight.” More noodles, more fiber, yay. I eat, and between the hours of 10pm and 2am, I poop about six times. I was not sick, it just felt like the inside lining of my intestines were being scraped clean of everything. i sleep at 230am.

Sunday morning – i wake up and poop. i eat, and poop once more. i pray and go to church. i go to dan’s house. come home just before they leave for bowling, and pray. i don’t fall asleep until 3am for whatever reason.

monday morning – 615am, wakeup with headache due to lack of rest. go to school. sleep in the music lobby for an hour from 7-8am. Go to a practice room and sleep from 8-9am. headache is gone. it is at this point that i am still tired, but God speaks to me something about our wounds. my brain is still not really operating yet, so this revelation is truly from the Lord, for sure! i noticed that somehow a splinter was sticking out of one of my fingers on my left hand and had been embedded in my skin, for lo, the skin was broken. I don’t know how it got there, because i felt no pain in that area, I also noticed a fresh cut on the finger next to it. i felt no pain either. but, because these were small wounds, i do what i do with all wounds that are not life threatening, I ignore them. my body heals itself pretty well. no need to dissinfect and stuff. no band-aids, no neosporin, etc. The fact of the matter is, infections can enter our body and if we do nothing about it, we get terribly sick or if severe enough, die. The same is true with our emotions, hearts, minds, and spirits. If we are wounded here, we cannot just brush it off and dissmiss it. It will hang over us and make our hearts sick. We must pray for ourselves and ask others to pray with and for us. we must repent for any follies on our part and follies on behalf of others. Spiritual wounds go deep and are not meant to be taken lightly.

A metaphor for your meditations since Jon ‘undeNGAIable’ Ngai has been placing great emphasis on being deeply rooted in the word of God and being connected to His presence daily!

I’ve been in a long season (4 years now) of laying down roots. What has driven my discouragement and dissatisfaction with my life is what I interpret as lack of fruit. I can’t say that I’ve laid my life down for the Kingdom in an extravagant way. I haven’t led more than a small handful of people to the Lord. When seed is planted it’s buried in the ground, hidden from sun and light, protected from the harsh elements and would be predators. If the conditions are right, that seed will be properly nourished to be on its way to becoming a healthy piece of horticulture, for the sake of vocabulary, lets just say tree. As the seed is nourished by the soil around it and properly watered, all should be well. But, unfortunately for us humans, the first thing we think about when we hear the words seed and tree in the same sentence is upward vertical growth. Add to the fact that in our culture we have more at our fingertips than we could ever imagine and our perspective now changes from one that used to value patience to one that demands and insists that things happen and materialize at a much faster rate of speed, sometimes instantaneously.

Before that seed can become a tree, the first sprouting that takes place is the downward vertical sprouting. The root system takes its place, grounding and rooting the seed, “soon to be tree” in it’s place, firmly in the ground. Trees do have deep root systems, but if this is a particularly big tree, its root system will be deep and wide. But roots must be established before the seed even sprouts. Ever stopped to think about the sprouting process at all? Once it sprouts, the plant is STILL underground in the covering of the dirt. It will take some time for the sprout to finally break through the earth and dirt. I’m reminded of how a child will watch and stare at a plant for extended lengths of time right after they water it, and water it some more, and water it yet again, watching and waiting for it to break forth. This will continue for days on end. One day, it will sprout and break forth, and the child will jump for joy because now the plant is in sight.

This tree grows and continues laying down and expanding its root systems. If we want to draw a parallel, we lay our foundation/roots, do some growing, flourish and become vibrant. But, time is always moving always drawing closer to the next season while leaving the present season one day at a time. There will be dry seasons and there will be harsh seasons, while there will be seasons of dormancy, dying, and rest, followed by seasons of growth, renewal, and vibrancy. There will be storms and trials.

Some trees must be trimmed at specific seasons in order for them to be able to sustain themselves. As our foundation in the word and relationship with the Lord is represented by roots, so will branches, limbs, and leaves represent our lives in the natural visible world. Representative of a relationship, activities, habits, vices, hobbies, interests, pass-times, etc; this is the stuff that is our branches. Those that are on our branches that do not bear fruit, either become pruned, fall off in stormy times, or bend and break under the pressure of it’s own weight. No, the tree will not die, sure it might look a tad mutilated, and it might not even be balanced, but that which was not integral to it’s survival is gone and it now will grow a new branch in place of the one that was once present.

Our sins are representative of one or several of these branches. When God refines us, He prunes that which will not bear fruit or will bear bad fruit. The act is still pruning, but sometimes it feels like hacking and chopping and we get all distraught and panicked dwelling on how much our lives suck blah blah blah, etc. You know how it goes. Extraneous things that we invest ourselves into that are legitimate but still not integral to our survival also tend to take a pruning when put up to the scrutiny of the Spirit. Our love affairs with sports, pop culture, NBC shows, Xbox, etc fall into that. Could these things actually be compared to weeds…? YES! Weeds are impure and require no water for survival, but sustain themselves by sucking away nutrients from a ‘host’ plant that is in great health.

So yea, TCC, we’re a family. We’re one unit. When a group of people advance forward with nothing to lose, it can be quite a scary thing for anyone/thing standing in the way! I love you all and hope that this by-product of my unproductive Sunday evening can be of some encouragement/edification/exhortation to your innermost being.

I like where I’m at now.  Currently, my future is still undecided in regards to the fall.  So, right now, I’m not going to worry about it.  I’m going to think about what I know I can do with my summer so no matter what happens in the fall, I know I will be in a good position for success.  

I’ve been playing trombone for about a year and a half now.  I’ve been playing bass trombone for less than five months, and I’m making great progress at a fairly quick rate.  At the end of the summer, I want to have that Hollywood bass trombone sound.  I want to repair my Olds so that I can start playing more jazz tenor.  My challenge is going to be to be productive everyday.  I want to play trombone, piano, study music theory, and write a bit everyday.  Maybe I won’t write everyday, but I’ll write more than I am now, which is nothing, so there’s a start.  I really want to pursue mastery of my art.  I’m not sure about what kind of work I’ll be able to find, but in my heart, there is nothing more important to me right now, with the exception of Jesus, than the mastery of music and as much of it’s facets as possible.  As I have said before, fun is not at the height of my priority list.  To me, this is fun.  This is the best thing that I could be doing with my life right now.  Where-ever I end up at in the fall, I won’t be the same trombone player that I was in the spring.  I’l be a transformed musician.  True dedication and commitment to one’s craft is where real talent is fostered.  Ability is God given.  Talent is your capacity/discipline to put that God given ability to practice, application, use, and performance.

I guess I’m just bitter.  I’d like to think it’s possible, but I have the utmost of trouble believing that it’s even legitimate.  I have to break my thinking.  Part of me wants to break it and the other half says that my thinking is fine and it’s justified and it’s completely permissible.  I am vowing to never read Mike Bickle’s book Seven Longings of the Human Heart.  I can’t trust my heart because it’s flawed and stained.  I’ve sterilized and killed my emotional intelligence and am now a cold creature.  Call me cold, heartless, insensitive, unfeeling, unmoved, etc.  It’s all pretty accurate.  I am so out of touch with myself for good reason.  I’d rather be disconnected from my emotions and not be led around by them rather than be in touch with my emotions, accept them as legitimate and be led around by them mindlessly.  

I’m convinced that if I am ever interested in a female, that I need to eliminate that feeling/desire/longing, for it is illegitimate and unjustified.  There’s something in me that just says that it’s not right at all.  I have no peace at all at the thought of a relationship.  If love/or the right girl was going to walk past me I wouldn’t even notice.  Shoot, even if she was TALKING to me, I wouldn’t notice.  If I did notice her or take attraction, I’d back the hell up and run a-freaking-way!  I run from the thought of relationships like it’s deadly sin.  

I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in this kind of love anymore.  It just isn’t for me.  I’m certainly incapable of expressing this.  I’m very sure I’m not the type of person that women are looking for.  I understand well that I’ll never be perfect, always a work in progress, always growing, always being made complete.  I don’t believe I’ll ever get married.  I think too independently.  I’m too idiosyncratic/quirky.  I don’t see it happening.  It’s a fine thing for other people, but I’m convinced that it’s not for me.

I’m too detached from my emotions to ever healthily enter a relationship.  I call it quits, again.  It’s easier not to try.  It saves me and others pain and heartache.  As I’ve said before, I’ve made it this far without companionship, I can go the distance without companionship.

What is success?  Many have their own thoughts, views, opinions, and definitions of success.  Success even has many different manifestations.  Some might say that I am successful.  Some might say that I have all the potential to be successful one day.  

I’ve been in post secondary education for four years now.  Most of my friends my age are finishing this year.  Few of my friends my age finished last year.  Some of my friends my age will finish next year.  I fit into none of these categories.  I have no idea when I will be finishing my undergraduate career.  My journey down this road has been long, filled with turns and blindness.  I’m not done yet.  I didn’t know that I’d be taking this particular route on this road.  Who knew it was going to take me this long.

I am a great example to many others of things to do and things not to do.  I suppose that that statement is true of all people, but it’s what I know about myself that I wish to impart to others that makes what I know in truth so invaluable.  

A part of my story I submit for your benefit… there is a common theme that I will make you aware of.  Please learn from it.

As I went through my senior year of high school, came the decision of where I wanted to apply for school and ultimately what I wanted to do with my life.  I was still very ambitious and was still dreaming big.  I went to a music information meeting at UCLA at Schoenberg.  I was so excited and was so hopeful of going to my dream school.  This came crumbling apart piece by piece.  I wasn’t playing trombone in those days four years ago, and they didn’t accept euphonium as an approved instrument worthy of majoring on.  I had no money and knew nothing about playing trombone at the time.  I soon figured out and owned up to the fact that my GPA smelled like dog fodder and would be unworthy of UCLA prestige.  Needless to say, I didn’t even try to apply there.  In fact, I didn’t apply anywhere.  I did apply to Cal State LA, and got wait-listed… at a Cal State… wait-listed.  I was prideful and high strung in those days.  I still am.  I felt inferior and a failure.  I felt stupid and worthless.  I vowed to myself that at any cost would I never end up at a community college.  That would become a shameful reality.  I then contemplated taking a year off and work figure things out.  I was convinced by my mother that this was a bad idea.  Had I done that, I might have been more apt to actually pray about it.  I was convinced that the default thing to do would be to go to a community college to collect transfer units, just enough to make up for my academic deficiencies.  I chose Citrus College over PCC, since I knew too many people at PCC and would be ashamed to see so many familiar faces there.  I also knew it was overcrowded and that Citrus had a great music program.  I met with a counselor.  We set up a plan for that first year.  I did not take any music performance classes since I did not own my own instrument.  I was only taking music theory courses and no application ensembles of my music knowledge.  I grew bored and frustrated at my failures.  I left the music department.  I pursued psychology for two years.  I then realized during the summer of my third year of drum corps in some midwest city that music was what I wanted to do and it was the only thing that really brought me any joy and satisfaction.  My next challenge was money.  I had none.  I had to pray that if this decision of mine really was God, that He’d provide finances for a horn.  And that He did.  I would have a horn of my very own starting in the middle of my third year.  My life from that point was dedicated to music.  I tried to transfer after that semester, but financial woes prevented this, and rightfully so.  I sucked.  I remained at Citrus for another year.  I’ve reactivated my application and financial woes are still a major issue.  As it stands, I may very well end up at Citrus again in the fall and apply to a multitude of schools: UCLA, CSUFullerton, CSULong Beach, Northridge, CSULA.  Hopefully, with admission to one of these places, I can finally finish up my path on this road.  If this road is taken, I will be on my way to an undergraduate degree starting in my sixth year out of high school.  

Sure, things in my life move slowly.  I’ve made TONS of MISTAKES!  Not limited to academic mistakes, I’ve made grave spiritual errors.  I’ve been operating out of the spirit of independence in nearly all of that.  I never really prayed about what major to pursue.  I never prayed about where to go.  I never prayed about where to apply to or during my senior year if applying was even a waste of my time.  The only thing I prayed about was that if I was once again to tackle music, that he would provide for me.  That, He did.  Even as I wanted to apply for transfer to APU, I never prayed about it, making it worse, that was the only school that I applied to for the past two years.  I got in both times, but finances stood in my way.  I cannot help but think that this door is closed to me.  

This scares me, to look back and see where NOT PRAYING has gotten me.  In my senior year of high school, I gave my life over to God to live for Him and be open to His will.  I truly believe that because of my vow to Him, that He has His firm hand in my life and that I CANNOT SUCCEED if I am operating OUTSIDE OF HIS WILL!  I’ve wasted four years presently of my life doing my own thing.  As it is with my present realization of this in the recent advent of me not getting a job at Best Buy.  I also didn’t pray about that job before applying.  I just did not get called, and that tells me that this door is closed off to me.  Azusa Pacific University may very well be outside of the Lord’s will for my life.  And for that, I will pay the price in another year or semester or whatever at Citrus.  

If you don’t care about my life at all even after reading this, you better understand this one thing: PRAY ABOUT EVERY BIG DECISION YOU MAKE!  Job, school, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, house, car, ministry duties, etc.  PRAY PRAY PRAY!  I am living proof that you can be very miserable if you don’t pray.  My own independence and frustration got the better of me.

I don’t know what it feels like to hold the hand of the one you love.  I’ve not experienced this love ever.  I don’t know what this sensation of interlocking fingers feels like moving together as one.  

I don’t know what it feels like to link arms with another and just stroll about enjoying each others’ presence.

I don’t know what it feels like to cuddle with someone in your arms.  Or to have her lean her head on your shoulder.  I don’t know what it feels like to feel nearness.

I don’t know what kind of electrical feel a kiss generates, or if it even does that to begin with.

I don’t know what it feels like to gaze into each other’s eyes because in that moment they are the only thing that matters.

I don’t know what it feels like to get over a bump in a relationship, for no such thing has existed; not bumps, but the relationship.

I don’t know what having that connection with someone else feels like.

I don’t know what it feels like to be loved in such a way by another.

I don’t know what it feels like to have a girl be completely for you; your biggest fan/advocate, if you may.

It seems I just don’t know anything about this.